they really did asked me bout my sis and if i were to go uni.

the smoke was overwhelming. in addition, my eyes were so so dry. with the smoke, it almost make me tear. we saw the guy who acted as coffee sao de husband. i didnt know he was hakka. he was kinda arrogant. he didnt even smile when we smiled to him. wth. anyways i felt like a lobster when burning those incense paper for my mom. i was red from the heat.

my uncle said with my fringe, i look like the girl in snoopy. the one with specs. they said i look very blur. they said the previous fringe was better. haha. anyways i'm gonna do something to my hair next month.


it's not cool to act strong. totally not cool. i've been thinking bout the point of time when my mom was about to go. i didnt cry at first. why? now that i've been thinking back, it's not like i'm not sad or anything. i was just shocked. totally shocked.

i was sleeping. then, i was just woken up in the middle of the night. my mom sitting in the living room, with my dad and sis by her side. my sis has already started crying. i went to wash up. and i realised what's happening. she was leaving. i was just 14. i didnt know what to do. lost, i was just looking. and looking. and looking. most of my relatives rushed down. she was miserable. but i know she doesnt want to go. then she left. leaving us behind. and finally i get what's going on. i realised she wouldnt be with us anymore. i realised this aint like those tv serials where people dont really die when they die. i realised it's all happening on me. just when i became rebellious, this happened to me.

during her funeral, we were all crying like shit. my dad tried staying strong until his best friend came. and he broke down. it was the first time i saw him cry. and it came back to me, why? why would i abandon my mom to go out and play. or lie to my mom so that i can go out with those so called friends. why i didnt put in my effort to accompany her after school? when none of my 'bestest' friends came in my moment of despair.

and i was obviously at a funeral and the cca i was in threatened me to sack me if i didnt come. i was like wtf. you aint my priority already. this is more important. the thing i was handling was much much more important. i quit in the end.

after she left, everything started crumpling. literally. dad had to close down his business. i simply had no mood to study anymore. i started to do stupid things in school. sms-ing instead of listening in class. skipping class to cry. skipping school to hang out. sneaking out to play in the middle of the night. i flunked most subjects. and i stopped believing in those 'bestest' friend. i began to doubt everything. the life i was having. the things i was saying. the world i was seeing.

i was losing control of everything. i did stupid things after meeting this new clique. just as i starting to pick things up. just as i started believing in friends again a year later. i set the wrong priorities. i will fail deliberately to accompany my friend cause she didnt study. or going her house to chill when o levels the next day. so i ended up in poly.

poly was okay in the beginning. but i began fearing others to know bout my background. i feared that they will laugh at me. i feared being despised at. i feared losing the friends i've made. i feared losing everything again. but conflicts start happening. and those i've called friends werent friends anymore. i met bf. to think that he has more problems at home than me. i didnt know there are situations worst than those portrayed in tv dramas.

i started thinking. thinking if i should care so much bout how others think about me. how others commented bout me. why do i care so much bout what people say about me? i am me. i dont have to care so much as long as i dont do things that will harm others. i was diagnosed with thyroids in year 2. i didnt know how badly it can affect me. i began to keep to myself while trying to cope with thyroids and school work. i stopped talking unless necessary. cause i dont like conflicts. but people just take it another way. in a way that i was the one who dont wanna be included during conversations. but whatever, 3 years of poly life have passed. i'm learning to enter the working society.

now that 6 years have passed. i learned to be myself again. although life's never the same as 6 years ago. no more reunion dinner. no more family dinner. no more family outings. but i will work hard. i know my dad is super proud of my sister now. she's got a second upper. so i must be as good as her. or even better. i wanna earn enough to bring him out for vacation. enough for him to enjoy life and not having to worry bout us anymore. life's too short to be someone else. i am myself. i dont wanna hide like a hermit anymore. i dont wanna lie bout my background anymore. those who know me well will know. i'm living for myself now. not for someone else. not manipulated by anyone anymore.

i wanna cry when i want to. not acting strong when i'm not. not breaking down on comments by others. and enjoying the time, the people i have now not regretting till later. life's real short. real real short.